


Who could and who didn't

by Hikary



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Cuddling, Death Sentence, Implied lawlight, L catches Light, L is a good person, M/M, not too much shipping I’m afraid, what if
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-09 02:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11095071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikary/pseuds/Hikary
Summary: Kira has been arrested and justice, human justice, is catching up to him. If you ask the media, the great L won and Yagami Light lost. Only, there are battles where nobody wins and, sometimes, what is claimed to be fair is nothing but revenge. L never understood the concept of punishing a murderer by taking his life, therefore right now there is only one thought in his head: I couldn’t save Light.orThat time Light is the one falling and L tries to catch him.





	Who could and who didn't

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gondolin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gondolin/gifts).



> x Many thanks to Heathers - The Musical for the quote (great songs, poor adaptation of one of the best movies ever) and neverending love & bubbles to Thank Goodness from Wicked: if spirit songs were a thing, this would be mine. Title from that one precious scene during the song when Fiyero is me and I am Fiyero and everything is beautiful but it still fucking hurts ♥ ( “ You know who could …and who has.”).
> 
> x English is not my first language. English is a funny language, but that’s why I love it ♥
> 
> x Alice is my precious pain au chocolat and everything Death Note-related in my life is because of her ♥
> 
> See the end for (a shitload of) more notes.  
> In the meantime, enjoy if you can!

**_“I wish we’ve met before_ **

**_They convinced you life is war.”_ **

 

 _It must be a joke_ , L thought.

Not a clever one, not even funny, but he knew about the cultural differences you have to accept when you travel the world, so _this must be Japanese humour_ , _yes, oh god, what a terrible, terrible sense of humour._ He searched for Yagami-san’s eyes for reassurance, and that was the first mistake: he was rewarded with a dead-empty stare and a petrified expression.

 « You can’t possibly mean that, Sir! » Matsuda blurted out, all nerves and no manners.

L realised the detective had been shaking since L presented the team with definitive evidence that Light Yagami was, in fact, Kira. He started counting the chances Matsuda could have a heart attack right there - considering his age, food habits and medical history - to relax a little, when the Chief spoke again.

 « I mean every word I have just said. We need to understand how this- _this thing_ works. In order to do so, we also need that one criminal whose actions made him so despicable that no judge will ever deny our request. We believe you should be the only person trusted with this task, Ryuzaki. »

L stepped in front of his team, in a somehow protective impulse.

He had never considered the possibility this would happen when he announced the ending of his investigation. He had no one but himself to blame for underestimating how vicious humans are - and not only those with a Death Note. 

L received the notebook with two fingers and a look full of judgement.

« I am not writing Light-kun’s name on the notebook. »

I know. » the man did a good job ignoring the fact L deliberately called a mass-murderer by his first name.  « It won’t be necessary. Yagami Light will write his own name. His final entry - if this is the right word - has already been prepared. »

The room fell silent.

L rarely missed people’s intentions and _never_ missed them twice. Suddenly, he was very aware of Aizawa’s presence behind him: the more Yagami-san seemed to shrink under the weight of Light’s fate, the more Aizawa seemed to grow taller and stronger. L felt a rush of gratitude for his being there, still by their - _Yagami’s_ \- side in spite of everything.

« He will never agree to that. »

« This is precisely why _you_ will persuade him .»

L chose not to reply.

After we set him to die within twenty-three days, you will be asked to monitor Kira’s behaviour. Obviously, for your safety, the first point of the entry will be for him to forget about being Kira and the whole notebook business. Do not worry about your soul, Mr Ryuzaki. Yagami Light’s death will not be on you - on _any_ of you. He brought this on himself, it is only fair that he will be the one writing his own name. »

 _« Sir_ » L spoke in a low voice, his fists tight and his jaw clenched « You understand you are already expecting us to follow orders that are monstruos, to put it mildly. The least you can do is not to offend our intelligence with talking of justice. Frankly, I find it most disrespectful. »

At the end of the day, it didn’t matter _how_ they were going to obey. He had failed Light in every possible way. That thought hurt so bad, sometimes, he didn’t even need sugar to think. The pain was so sharp he could’t do anything but focus on Kira and the case.

And yet, he was not going to fail Yagami-san, too, by accepting those orders _in silence_ . L was going to show him they were still the good guys, that they were _different,_ to remind him why he needed to let Light go.

They both did.

***

Light was escorted to their headquarter by as many policemen as the Chief could gather. L had tried one more time to explain Light wasn’t dangerous _per se_ , but they all walked on eggshells around him, as if he could set them on fire with the blink of an eye.

No one else was there to say goodbye. Yagami-san had come up to L, with tears in his eyes that would have never let himself shred, and told him he was not brave enough to face ‘this Light’ again. Watari alone had offered to stay, although they both knew it was not the way things were supposed to go.

L followed Light and his little entourage via cameras. He saw them tossing the boy around, big, rough hands against the curve of Light’s frail neck. When the automatic door slammed open, the man next to Light pushed him so hard the boy would have landed on the ground in front of L’s feet, if the detective hadn’t grabbed him by the shoulders. The man was obviously expecting some sympathy from L - a wink, a conspiratorial smile even, a sign they were all on the same boat.

L sank that boat with a single, stone-cold glance.

***

Light sat on the sofa. L was ready to fight all the Afterlife, shinigami by shinigami, rather that sit next to him right now. Light had been staring at his cup of tea for a good half an hour or so, while L had actively ignored the bruises on his neck and forearm.

 _Humanity is going to be the end of humanity_ , L reminded himself.

The excitement that came with hitting someone weaker than yourself escaped him. There wasn’t anything glorious about violence - it was, by definition, nothing but violent.

« I will never write _that_. You know I won’t. We are wasting everyone’s time. »

L was walking up and down the room, eyes looking up, lost in his trail of thoughts. When he met Light’s eyes, nothing in his face spoke of death or justice or plans to carry on with. He was just somewhere else. _He desperately wanted him and Light to be somewhere else._

« I am sorry, Light-kun. You should've been the first to know I caught Kira. But, you see – » he was pulling at his clothes now, looking somehow ashamed of himself  « I was afraid you might have hurt someone else. »

« Like yourself? »

« Like your family. Your father, perhaps. »

Light’s body froze. Then, to curl up against himself, as if he wanted to shut L out, his movements slow and painful. L gave him however long he needed to regain his composure. When Light spoke, it felt like old times - surreal and hypothetical to a point that made both of them question everything the other said, even the pauses.

« Thank you. »

L’s eyes went big, filled with surprise and _yes_ , a pinch of joy. _Don't give up Light-kun. Don't make me say our goodbyes alone._

« Thanks for not letting me cross that line. »

« You crossed that line a long time ago. »

« Did I? I haven’t killed _you_ , in the end. »

« Only because you didn't have the chance. »

« You’ll never know. »

L didn't fall for it.

Light cracked that little sly smile of his, then he picked up the pen L had left in front of him. L kneeled before the sofa and held up the notebook, offering a blank page to Light. He tried not to make it look like a solemn gesture, but how could he?

Light glanced at the instructions one last time; then, _it was happening_. Light’s handwriting was neat and tiny, and yet there was something fierce in the way he formed the words. On the last one - his own name - L couldn’t stop himself. His brain was literally aching, yet one thing was clear in his mind: he was no Kira and he was not going to become one right now. He grabbed Light’s wrist, his heart beating so fast he wanted to laugh and cry and scream for how close he was to a heart attack.

« Give me the pen, Light-kun. »

L adjusted the last sentence - just a little extra word. He returned the pen to Light, who was staring at the correction.

« Thank you. »

Something cracked inside the boy. He scribbled his own name furiously, and fought back the tears L had been waiting for a while. They let the seconds pass, and L hated himself more and more with each of Light’s sobs. He wish he had the strength to hug the boy - this 17-year-old boy, terrified and covered in bruises, who had just written down his own death sentence. He had forty seconds to process the fact that he will have been dead in twenty-three days and no power on Earth, nor beyond, could save him now. His mind was about to be stripped out of his head, and he will have left this world innocent and ignorant of his crime.

 _Justice shouldn’t look like this_ , L thought. _It can’t possibly look like this_.

« Thank you _, Lawliet_. »

L’s eyes went wild at the sound of his real name, while Light suddenly arched his back, like he had just been struck by a thunder. L caught him right before the boy hit the ground. He wanted to ask, but _oh,_ it was so late now. So fucking late.

That was like Light Yagami parted from this world, killed yet undefeated, half a smirk still on his pretty face. He had played ‘till the very last second.

L held him as close as he could without feeling sick, patiently waiting for the boy to regain consciousness.

« Ryuzaki…? »

« Light-kun. »

« W-what happened? »

« You weren’t feeling well. Nothing to worry about. »

Light broke free from L’s arms, blushing furiously at the realisation he couldn’t stand without L’s help.

« I’m fine now. We should go back to work. _Find Kira_. »

« Yes, Light-kun. Let’s go back to work. »

***

The list of actions Kira had to perform in order to test the notebook was as articulate as completely uneventful. Light ate food he normally didn’t like on the third day, but he didn’t buy a dvd of ‘Le Roi Soleil’ in a bookstore on the Champs Eliséè on the fifth. He wore one of L’s lousy jumpers for forty-eight hours on the seventh, but he didn’t hug Matsuda on the eight - which made L smile a little on the outside and cry out loud on the inside. Everything else he did, it was _purely_ Light Yagami, nothing but cunning and determination. He worked by L’s side night and day, never complaining about the insane amount of work they did, while constantly reminding L of how annoying his company was. By the fourteenth day, he had started to carry an extra bag of candies in his back pocket.

One of the tasks L never got over was the manipulation of feelings - assuming that was possible. He had agreed on something that, hopefully, would have been easier on all of them: a simple show of Light’s true feeling for someone he cared about, but with whom he wasn’t usually affectionate.

Sometime halfway through the nineteenth day, he suddenly remember nothing was going to be easy for them.

Not today.

Not ever again.

That particular day, Yagami-san took of his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Light gave him an affectionate pat on the shoulder.

You should get some sleep, dad. I think you haven’t slept in days. »

 _And if there’s someone who could last twenty-three days without sleeping, that would be Yagami-san_ , L thought, watching the scene from afar.

« I’m okay, son. I jus- I want this to be over. »

« I know. »

L almost saw the shiver running down Light’s spine - was that the power kicking in? - and he wasn’t breathing anymore. 

I am so proud of you, dad. We are doing this together. I want you to be proud, too. »

L had seen people dying before. Until that day, he had never seen a man _breaking_ right before his eyes.

***

L spent more than one interminable night sitting on his - _their?_ \- bed, staring at the screen of his - _their? -_ laptop, arguing with a much more brave version of himself whether to tell Light or not. _Whether Light would believe the truth_.

He couldn’t even decide why. For Light? For himself? For another poor imitation of justice? Would Kira want to know? Maybe, that was exactly what he had hoped for, when he had called him _Lawliet_. Truth was, L was forced to admit, he knew Light Yagami well enough to understand the reason behind that deliberate, final chess move: to prove Kira’s point. It was a slap in L’s face, the ultimate proof that Light could still have control over Kira. The one thing he wanted the most was not to be labelled as a common killer. _Was he not?_

« Let’s play a game, Light-kun. »

« It’s four in the morning. » Light muttered against his pillow - which happened to be L’s left arm.

« Let’s say you are Kira, but you don’t remember. »

Light looked up at him and rolled his eyes.

« We’ve played that game before. »

« Let’s say I am not trying to catch you. I am just keeping you here, for a while. »

« And why is it so? »

« -but you don’t remember, you can’t remember. »

« _But_ why am I here? »

« I am observing you. Eventually, you’ll go back to prison. Without your memory. Would you rather know the truth? »

Light remained silent for a while. L began to think he was giving him the silent treatment - he was _that_ childish, at times - and he was not taking the game seriously. He was so wrong, a position he wasn’t still comfortable with.

« It’s so sloppy, Ryuzaki. It doesn’t work - I am surprised at you! I am not going back to jail. I am going to die, am I? »

L froze. Then, he remembered they were still in their safe place, the hypothetical.

« If I had to spend my life in jail, I would obviously know there is a reason for that. »

« Would you rather know? » L pressed him.

« I guess… » Light seemed lost in his thoughts for a moment « I guess it doesn’t matter. As long as Kira gets what they deserve. »

« Do you mean it, Light-kun? Is there really something you value above knowledge? »

 _« Justice_. » the boy said without hesitation.

L wished with all of his heart and his mind that he could shield him from every horrible thing this world had to show: from his father’s frustration, from all the injustices he had to witness every day. Light’s young blood was on the hands of humanity as much as on his owns.

***

On the last night, upon L’s request, no test was to be carried on. The Chief had complied - he even allowed Sayu and Mrs Yagami to visit Light on the twenty-first day - although he had not been very happy when L had mentioned his little ‘correction’. The detective had pointed out that it was nothing but a little insurance on behalf of the Chief’s beloved fairness.

There was no inflection in his tone during that conversation.

They had both stared at the word that was not supposed to be there - ‘ Light Yagami dies _peacefully_ ’ - thinking opposite things that might have sounded very similar. They agreed it was completely unfair; and yet, one of them was concerned about a mass murderer, the other about a teenage boy.

L won the privilege to spend the last night with Light.

Everyone had already said their goodbyes; or, to be more precise, nobody did. Soichiro Yagami’s pat on Light’s shoulder might have lasted a little longer than the usual; and Aizawa’s eyes might have indulged on the teenager’s figure for a few moments - but that was it. L suspected Yagami-san’s last moment with his son had been with his wife and daughter, a couple of days before. From that moment on, the person in the room with them was Kira. And if that was Yagami’s only way to avoid killing himself in the next few months out of pointless guilt and unbearable pain, so be it.

« You look tired, Ryuzaki. Tired like humans are, not your usual ‘I haven’t slept for the past twenty days but I don’t even feel it’-tired. You look like you could actually use some sleep. »

« Are you worried about me, Light-kun? » L asked in a small voice.

« Of course I am! _You know_ I am. I can’t catch Kira alone. » he shrugged and he blushed a little.

He was showing his hand, admitting one little weakness; he was embarrassed, but he hoped this would make L more willing to admit he could be flawed, too, and that following someone’s advice would not be the end of the world.

 _Taking one for the team_ , a thought L failed to suppress. 

It wasn’t genuine concern or affection, of course. L wasn’t buying it, not matter what magical power was possessing Light; until Light awkwardly grabbed L’s sweater by the wrist, biting his lower lip as he always did when he was in the middle of an internal struggle.

 _Good move, Light_ , L returned the gesture by poking at Light’s shoulder. _That’s my boy._

L would never comprehend how this person’s mind could fit so perfectly with his own, even in this moment, robbed of his memories, subjugated by a demoniac power. Once again, he wished he had what it would take to lean forward and hug Light.

« Uh- Ryuzaki, are you listening? »

« Oh. » L blinked. « Light-kun, why don’t we sleep for a while? »

« It’s not even midnight. » Light protested.

« I’ll tell you what. I think I have an idea to find Kira. »

The boy literally lit up.

« What idea? »

« We’ll talk about it in a few hours. Now, be a good roommate and get some sleep. »

Light feigned a betrayed expression, but he curled up next to L without further objection.

« ‘kay. Let’s get some rest. » he yawed in the nest of L’s neck.

They got used to sleep quite close when they were chained and, apparently, it was the one thing Light didn’t mind about their arrangement. Light’s smell used to be clean and impersonal; now there was a faint trace of coffee and strawberries on him, that reminded L of their days working shoulder to shoulder.

« I can’t wait to wake up. »

_I wish I could say the same, Light._

« It is not fair that you don’t share your plan, though. We’re a team. »

« You know what? You are right. And I shall tell you something - something more important than the plan. »

« Like…? » he sounded skeptical.

 _« My name._ »

« Don’t be stupid. What if _I am_ Kira? »

L took a deep breath.

« My name is Lawliet. »

Next to him, Light’s body went stiff all of a sudden.

« Ryuzaki! »

« It’s okay. » L said, in a voice that wasn’t his own; it was a voice he knew well, though, Watari’s voice from a lifetime ago, when he used to find little kids too weird for this world and give them a home « Everything is going to be okay. »

He had not convinced the boy just yet, he knew it. Light, however, relaxed a little. L felt something soft and warm brushing his cheek. It could have been Light’s lips.

« Thank you. Thank you for trusting me. I am not sure I would have done the same. »

L glanced at the digital alarm on the bedside table: 11:59:20. His brain, somehow, refused to count those forty seconds left. He buried his face in Light’s hair and spoke in a whisper.

« _I guess we’ll never know._ »

Somewhere, far away, he could hear the bells.

 

-fin

**Author's Note:**

> x Honestly, I don’t know where all this came from - I started writing at work on a lazy Sunday morning and I couldn’t stop for a few days. That doesn’t happen as often as I wish.  
> I am not trying to make any point here, this is not necessarily my personal opinion on Light’s fate. I tried my best to convey what I believe is L’s idea and this is why there isn’t too much shipping going on, even though I ship these two so hard I could cry because they could have been so happy together (well, I do often cry lol). One of the many things I love about L is the fact that he can set his priorities and stick to that: catching Kira before his personal feelings (whether romantic or not, as you wish), saving a human life before getting revenge, etc. L is a wonderful human being ♥ 
> 
> x “I couldn’t save Light” is not only one of the most heartbreaking, profound lines ever pronounced by L; it is also reason enough to go and watch those (very arguable) movies if you haven’t done it yet, because Kenichi plays L like a boss. To me, it represents the beauty of this character, his forgiving, compassionate nature, his inner goodness that wins over all the other aspects of his personality. He is the ultimate good guy, yet in a way that makes him anything but cheesy. 
> 
> x I love Light without his memories, because that’s how he could have been, ‘ if only’. I also love to remind the world of the age difference between them as often as possible - BECAUSE AGE DIFFERENCE ♥ ♥ ♥ - and yes, I use the word ‘boy’ a lot. Still never enough for my standards.
> 
> x Funny fact: I had a temporary amnesia while writing this fic: I forgot the maximum number of days for a delayed death. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. MY OTHER OTP IS BASED ON THIS RULE. THE 23-DAYS RULE IS LIFE. I DON’T DESERVE NEAR & STEPHEN.
> 
> x Aizawa is the best character in the show  
> also the kind of man I want to marry.


End file.
